apsockmonkey

Okay, not that anyone looks at this anymore, but....

2009-01-07T03:54:42Z

Yeah, so. I'm not writing anymore.

For a while. lol

idk I may start something new.

Anywaaaaaaaay: I'm in desperate need of $10. So I can buy Fight Club on iTunes, thus having it on my computer AND iPod. Yeah-ya.

I'm hoping that with my birthday, money will come. So I can buy Fight Club. Maybe A Clockwork Orange for my iPod, too. Then I'll probably buy like way more books than I actually need. hehe

So yeah. Hi to any of my RL friends reading this. And hi to any LJ friends that might still be reading this. ^____^

If anyone wants to talk about how rad Alex or the Narrator are, the comment section is wide open. lol

Obligatory "I'm not dead" post. =/

2008-12-20T01:55:18Z

Even though no one reads this anymore, because I let down all of my readers. I MASSIVELY let them down.

But seriously, if any of you guys are still reading this, guys. I've been looking over "Monster" lately, and I've been looking at Chapter 20. It's itching to be written, you guys. I want to write it. But I don't want to start writing and posting again, only to let you all down again.

So, for those who see this and used to enjoy my fic, would you like me to post more chapters, with the risk that I may stop and start sporadically again? Or do you just want me to go die (like everyone else in the world does)?

Oooh, look, I'm being all post-y tonight.

2008-10-29T01:49:31Z

Yeah.

So since I've been gone, I have not been dead/off the face of the earth.

And since I am a living FBR fan with functioning ears, I have heard Razia's Shadow.

Holy balls, man. Greatest album ever? Yes.

SRRRRRY!

2008-10-29T01:26:01Z

This will be a short post, in bullet points.

-I'm so friggin' sorry for not posting in forever!
-I'm even more sorry that I don't have a Monster update for you guys yet....
-Seriously, I'm stuck. I have writer's block.
-I stopped my Joncer Twilight AU because I'm stuck with that, too. It's garbage anyway.
-I'm going to do some writing exercises that will help me continue with Monster (for realz, I've done research and stuff on writing exercises designed to end writer's block...I'm dedicated to you guys, don't worry).
-I'm also starting a new fic, that I will hopefully post someday. I've only just started my research for it, though. It'll be a cult fic.

-I have some questions for any of you reading this that read Monster. I would really appreciate it if you guys could fill this out. It's only a few questions and I think it might help me get some wheels turning. PLEASE KEEP IN MIND THAT THE WAY YOU ANSWER THE QUESTIONS WILL NOT SWAY THE ENDING. I ALREADY KNOW HOW THE REST OF THE STORY GOES AND HOW IT ENDS.

"Monster" Survey
1. Who will Mikey end up with?
a. Gerard b. Mike c. Frank d. Bert e. Some currently unknown character. (If so, any guesses who?) f. No one.

2. Is Gerard with Bert?
a. Yes. b. No.

3. Will Mikey forgive Gerard?
a. Yes. b. No.

4. Will Mike and Gerard ever be able to be friends?
a. Yes. b. No. c. No, but they'll be able to be civil around each other.

5. At the end of CH. 19, where did Mike go?
a. Just out for a drive. b. To find Michael. c. To hurt and/or kill Gerard. d. To Chicago.

6. Do you guys hate me?
a. Yes. Go die, you stupid bitch. b. Yes, but don't die yet. Finish Monster THEN die. c. Naw, I don't hate you.
See? That's it! It's even multiple choice, guys.

Okay, so that wasn't so short. Sorry, flist.

Why me?

2008-08-09T03:32:28Z

Okay. So it's rare that I hope people in my RL will see this, in fact I hope that everyone in my RL doesn't know that I have a LJ account.

But this is to you, Boy With The DJ Headphones. I know you don't know, but I hope you do know, and I hope you see this.

You're a terrorist. You know why? Because you terrorize me, and I know somehow, you get kicks out of it. You probably go home and chuckle to yourself, "Ha, that silly soph is totally in love with me. I should make myself even sexier just to taunt her."

Okay, so maybe not exactly that, but something like it.

I want you to stay away from me. Because it seems like no matter where I go, you're there. Between all my classes, I always see you, right in front of me in the hall.

And I got caught up in staring at the back of your head today and I ended up following you to your math class on accident. So I was late to my Science class. Guh, thanks a lot. Could you at least try to be less beautiful?

Anyway, I want to switch out of my Language class. Because that's the only class we have together and I don't want to give myself a whole hour to stare at your beautiful face. It's not fair to me. It hurts.

So stop terrorizing me with your beauty. Please? It's not fair, and it hurts me. I haven't had self esteem issues since the 6th grade, and you, buddy, are making me feel like a 6th grader right now. I feel like I'm not worth anything.

You know what my journal is covered in now? My nice, fancy journal that my grandpapa just gave me? There's a whole two pages of me saying "No one that beautiful could ever love someone so average."

Three guesses who the beautiful one is. You, good job. You only get one guess as to who the average one is. Me. Good job.

So just please, please give me a chance to not look at you and hopefully, eventually forget all about you. It's too painful to think about you.

I still love you, though.

Oh, and by the way, I can't even watch the hot vampire ballet video now. Whenever I see it, I think of you. Because, to top off all the perfections I've already noticed in you, you remind me of Jasper from Twilight. I wish you weren't so perfect. Go die in a corner. I bet you'd even do that with grace and beauty.

hot boyvampire ballet? yes pleeeeeeeeeaaaaaze!

2008-08-09T01:26:11Z

guys, even though i LOVE dancing ballet, i hate watching it.

but GAWD this is amazingly hot.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=szuNHjByPl4&feature=related

RAWR! boy vampire ballet....sexysexySEXY! unf.

i mean really now. it's great. if you like stuff about vamps, you'll like it. it's seeeeeexy.

ETA- wtflulz i just realized what that familiar song in the background is. it's like...a choir singing smells like teen spirit. i repeat, wtflulz. i was watching it thinking, "damn these lyrics sound familiar. what is it?" then i recognized the "she's over-bored and self assured" part. lol

-le sigh-

2008-08-08T03:21:20Z

I wrote a poem about burning toilet paper in a forest with a girl named after a cheese.

I sang a song about Romeo's alter ego, Ro-emo with the father of my future babies.

I fell in love with the Boy With The DJ Headphones.

Oh what a crazy land Phoenix is.

the BUTCHER!

2008-08-04T17:25:54Z

heheheheh! i finally watched the tai tv that i missed while i was away.

ZOMG i LOVED it!

obviously, there will never be a part 2, because with all the to be continued's in tai tv history, none of them HAVE been continued. lol

but this was perfect anyway.

my heart exploded with joy when william put the bandana on his knee. and then it exploded AGAIN when he delivered the amazing line-
"check THIS, juliet."

i laughed way too hard at that.

oh, and mike is being way too sexy again. he needs to be punished, in an equally sexy manner. rawr. -jumps on him-

and i love how sisky only yells for the butcher. "the BUTCHER!" hahaha, he's practically begging the fandom to pair him and the butcher. (gawwwwd, they'd be sexy together. good choice, sisky. good choice.)

heh heh heh....

2008-08-04T03:59:03Z

i love being right.

i KNEW jacob wasn't right for bella.

team edward wins.

jacob wasn't right for bella, jacob was right for bella's baby. the baby that edward, not your precious jacob, fathered. so there.

bella and jacob were absolutely never meant to be. team edward wins.

i repeat, i love being right.

ayayayayayay

2008-08-04T03:34:56Z

i finished reading breaking dawn today at around noon.

can i just say how much i freaking LOVE EMMETT?!?!?!? he's hilarious.

jasper's still my fav. he's such a sweetie. alice is absolutely the greatest thing since jasper.

oh, and while i was in washington, i went to forks with my lovely cousins. got a jasper shirt at the general store!!!!!!!!!

also, over the past week, i've done some crazy reading. like nonstop. that's all there is to do in washington, other than chill with my favorite cousins.

i-
(re)read twilight
(re)read parts of new moon
(re)read eclipse, three times
read survivor by chuck palahniuk
read a clockwork orange by...anthony burgess? is that his name?
read anthem by ayn rand
and then i read some manga
oh, and then i read breaking dawn in way less than 24 hours. lol

seeeaaaattlllllle!

2008-07-26T15:08:04Z

going to seattle today.

i'll be staying in port angeles for a week.

so yeah, no comp while in seattle and port angeles. if i ever get to the go to the library, i'll log on though. just for a quick update.

so for now, i'll leave you with one of my new favorite quotes.

"...you can taste the finest of wines. whisper the sweetest of nothings. and cop the cheapest of feels."

lulz

2008-07-25T05:33:25Z

"contestants, you will be competing in various, unsavory, physical challenges that may or may not involve the word 'banana hole.'"

hahahahaha.

i AM a gangsta host!

2008-07-25T03:53:02Z

and i will pop the truth in yo ass!

team edward.

2008-07-25T03:52:32Z

jacob ain't shit.

oh, jasper -le sigh-

2008-07-25T01:00:05Z

jasper hale is sex on legs.

because, apparently, i like my men tall, blonde, and immortal. (and fictional.)

gee thanks stephenie meyer. now i'll never be happy with anyone because they just won't be jasper-y enough for me. thanks a lot you hobag. =P

i'm still awaiting any of the breaking dawn quotes of the day to be from jasper. -is impatient-

grrr....

2008-07-24T08:11:30Z

i've decided that i'm going to convince my mother that vampires ARE sexy. even if it kills me. she thinks it's really creepy how much i love the idea of the twilight vampires. i've TRIED to tell her how sexy they are, and i've TRIED showing her some of the pics from the set of the movie, but she won't look.

i've already got her eyeing my copy of new moon. she loooooves the cover. but new moon wouldn't convince her...the majority of the book is all dog-centric. hardly any sexy vampires, besides the very beginning and the very end.

even still, my mother simply will not read anything longer than a magazine article and even then she only skims.

so my only hope is the twilight movie. if i can get her to take me to it (when it comes out of course) and get her to watch it, i KNOW she'll be convinced.

my mother would definitely be an emmett lover. i can tell. (but she would sooooo hate on my boy jasper. i'm a jasper lover, and i know my mom would accuse him of being girly. betch.)

i will, of course, have to see the movie before i allow my mother to go with me. i have a feeling that the first time i see this movie, i'll squeal so much at so many times that she would probably mock me forever. my mother hates when i squeal out of joy or have ~fangirly moments. which happens a lot when i'm around anything twilight related.

GUH life sucks....

2008-07-24T03:31:49Z

ohmigawd, my life sucks right now, guys.

i have a fucking blood blister. it hurts soooooooo baaaaaaaad! -cries-

AND i almost threw up this morning. -cries in the corner- i didn't but i felt like i was going to.

throwing up sucks, but feeling like you're just about to mixed with the anticipation of it is worse. to me at least.

i think i might shoot myself in the foot. too bad i don't have a gun

BTW, i just finished rereading eclipse (for like the hundredth time) and i've decided that i love seth clearwater. i still prefer vampires to those stupid dogs, but seth is cool. (and it's SOOOO cute that he's like the baby of the pack. ^_^ and i love how he's friendly with edward. it's cute.)

but i still hate all of the other stupid fucking dogs in the books. especially jacob. but everyone that knows me knows that i am extremely anti-jacob black.

-_-

2008-07-22T02:01:15Z

i just went through my email's notepad (where i write and store all my fics) and...i have over 100 in there.

guys, it's seriously sad the amount of fics i write compared to the amount of fics i post.

i start SOOOO many, but i never post them.

the sad thing is, i still continue to write them, even though i have no intention of ever posting them.

it's just...fun. and i send some of them to my close rl friends that actually dont mind reading slash as long as i'm the one who wrote it.

anywho, i think i'm going to start a new fic (okay, i lied, it's already started) that i might actually start posting.

at this point, i'm thinking it will be a gabilliam, but that it subject to change (because i haven't even mentioned names in the fic yet. it's all descriptions right now). but i'd really love to keep it gabilliam, but i'm in love with the pairing.

but, i might change it to a joncer. because as much as i love gabilliam, joncer might be my otp right now. all i've been reading lately is joncer and gabilliam fics. (tbh, i don't really even read mcr fics anymore....i don't know why, i've just lost some of my interest in them.)

*LE GASP* maybe that's why i haven't been writing so well for monster!!!!! because i've lost most of my interest in mcr fics....*calmer le sigh* i shouldn't be thinking that. i could never just stop writing monster. you guys would kill me.

anywho (again, i get side tracked a lot), i'll work on this new fic, and then if i like it enough, i'll post it.

i'll warn you. it's a vampire fic. if you're not into that, then -meh- guess this isn't your fic. it's not like average vampire things, though. the vampires in this are more like the twilight-universe vampires than dracula vampires because i DESPISE dracula vampires. i much prefer the twilight-universe vampires.

CH. 19

2008-07-21T05:22:11Z

Title: But I'm The Monster.... CH. 19
Author: apsockmonkey
Pairing: Mikey Way/Mike Carden, I guess there's a bit of Mikey Way/Gerard Way (but not really)
Rating: R? Hard PG-13? I'm bad at this.
Summary: Mikey and Gerard's relationship, stemming from their childhood and the other relationships Mikey forms.
Disclaimer: Seriously, if I owned Mikey, Gerard, and Frank, why the hell would I be on my computer? I think I'd be a little too busy with *ahem* other stuff. ;) And if I owned Mike Carden, I don't think I'd ever leave my room. ^_^
Warnings: Language, discussed themes, violence. Yeah. Violence is the major one in this chapter I think.
Dedications: OME, All of the people that read this that have been so patient with me. I suck. You deserve someone who can deliver good fics on a regular basis, and I'm sorry that I haven't been able to do either of those.

The morning came a little too quickly for Mike's liking, but once he woke up, he could not go back to sleep. He looked around and saw, just as he had expected, Michael squeezed between himself and Mikey, whispering a little in his sleep. Mike looked over Michael, at Mikey, and smiled. Mikey was curled around a pillow his eyes shut tight under his glasses (which had never been taken off). Not too long after Mike woke up Michael stirred. He sat up slowly and rubbed his eyes.

"Mornin', Mike," he yawned.

"Yeah. Morning," Mike said, a little absent-minded. He was too busy staring at Mikey's sleeping form.

Michael looked from Mike to Mikey then back at Mike, smirking. "You love that boy."

Mike just blushed and continued looking at Mikey.

"It's cute. The two of you get on well."

"Yeah," Mike murmured.

"I think I'm gonna go out, snag a coffee. Be back later, mate." Michael slapped Mike's back lightly and left the apartment. When he shut the door, Mikey opened his eyes slowly waking up from the noise.

"Hey," Mikey said softly, moving his glasses up and rubbing his eyes.

"Hey," Mike cooed back. He moved closer to Mikey and smiled. "How'd you sleep?"

"Okay...I guess. I feel kind of bad."

"Still? I didn't fuck you that hard. I mean it was two days ago Mikey, I-"

"No, not like that. I feel bad, like...guilty, I guess." Mikey played nervously with the hem of the sheets, his brow furrowed beneath his glasses.

"Guilty? Why?"

"I don't know....I know it's not a big deal to you, but...in a way I sort of cheated on you last night. Michael blew me, and I dunno....I just feel bad about it."

Mike smiled. "Don't. It's definitely not a big deal. Besides, how could you cheat on me when we aren't together?" Mike laughed a little. "So, how'd it go with Gerard yesterday? Didn't get a chance to ask."

"I didn't have sex with him."

"I know that. But...what happened? I mean...like, did he hurt you?" Mike's brow furrowed slightly.

Mikey looked away for a second. "Not...not physically or anything, but...." Mikey shrugged and looked back at Mike.

"Mikey...." Mike moved closer and put his arms around Mikey. "What did he do?"

"He...he said that you're using me again. He said that I'm stupid....He thinks I'm a stupid slut, Mike."

"Who cares what he thinks about you? He doesn't matter. He's a bitch, Mikey. What he thinks doesn't matter."

"Well it matters to me, Mike!" Mikey rolled over, his back to Mike, and huffed.

Mike sighed. "Why? Why do you care about him so much? He obviously doesn't care about you...." Mike put his arms around Mikey, but Mikey pushed him away.

"Shut up! He cares about me. I know he does. He loves me...."

"I love you. And if he loved you, he wouldn't act like this to you."

"He's just mad. He doesn't like me being with you, that's all."

"Well that's a shitty reason to call you a whore and make you cry. If he loved you, he wouldn't make you cry." Mike nuzzled into the crook of Mikey's neck. "I'd never make you cry."

"I don't want to talk about this anymore. Let's talk about your 'friend' Michael. Why did he, of all your friends, come out to see you? Are you two...together or something?"

"No, god no. Michael and I aren't together. At all. He came out because we missed each other. We've been friends for years."

"And you just like to make out?"

"Friends with benefits" Mike said with a laugh. "You're okay with that, right?"

Mikey shook his head a little. "I wish I could say that I am, but...not really. I feel bad about him giving me a blow job...I don't even want to think about what would have happened with you two if I didn't come back."

"Or, y'know, what happened before you came back...."

"You and him...had sex?"

Mike nodded and frowned. "I'm sorry, I didn't think it'd be a big deal. I mean, you were going off to fuck Gerard, I didn't think fucking Michael would be that big of a deal."

Mikey inched away from Mike. "Well...I never intended on having sex with Gerard."

Mike tried putting a hand on Mikey's shoulder, but Mikey pushed it away lightly. "I'm sorry, Mikey. Is it really that big of a deal?"

"Yeah, it...it kind of is."

"Well I'm sorry, Mikey, I don't know what else to say." Mike's voice was on the edge of angry.

"If you didn't have sex with him, you wouldn't have to say anything," Mikey said, icily.

"Mikey, you're being ridiculous. I can't take it back," Mike said, sighing.

"I don't care....Even if you could take it back, you wouldn't...," Mikey muttered, dejectedly.

Mike looked at Mikey, his eyes stern. "If I knew how upset it would make you, I wouldn't have done it, Mikey. I'm not lying when I say that I love you. I care about you, and I don't like seeing you upset and I hate that I upset you."

"...Really?"

Mike nodded, smiling.

Mikey returned the smile, and relaxed next to Mike.

"So, what's the plan today?" Mike asked, stretching a little. Mikey opened his mouth to answer, but before he could speak, the phone rang. Mike groaned. "Three guesses who it is."

Mikey reached up to grab the phone and saw that the call was from Gerard. "Hello, Gerard," he answered.

"Hey, Mikey."

"What do you want?"

"I just...wanted to call you. I'm sorry. I've been treating you like shit and you don't deserve that. I don't like that you're with Mike, but...I guess I get it. You want to be with him because with him, you've got some normalcy."

"And because I love him."

"I severely doubt that you even know what love is, Mikey," Gerard huffed.

"I thought you called to apologize," Mikey reminded him. "I have to go soon, so hurry it up a little."

"He's there, isn't he? He's with you right now."

Mikey looked over at Mike. "Yes. He's with me right now."

"Where are you?"

Mikey felt Mike's hand on his arm and he felt a little stronger. The fact that Mike was there made him feel safe. Like he could definitely say anything to Gerard. "In bed." Mike leaned forward and put his face against Mikey's shoulder. Mikey could feel Mike smiling into his skin.

"I fucking hate him, Mikey, but I want to be him."

Mike hands trailed over Mikey's body. Mikey whimpered a little. "I think I should go, Gerard." Mikey couldn't help the small moan that escaped when Mike's hands founds his thighs.

"I'm going to be sick...." A small thud was heard over the phone, and the line went dead. Mikey hung up and looked at Mike.

"Mike, I think something's wrong....Something happened to Gerard, Mike, I think he passed out." Mikey looked worried and Mike sighed.

"And you want to go over there to see if he's okay." It wasn't a question. Mike knew it was the truth. Mikey nodded and bit his lip.

"I'm sorry. I just....If anything ever happened to Gerard because of me, I don't think I could live with myself."

Mike shook his head and sighed again. "Go."

Mikey smiled a little. "Thank you." He got up, put some clothes on, and kissed Mike goodbye before leaving the apartment. He drove over to Gerard's apartment, parked his car, and ran up to the door. He looked under the mat by the door, to see if there was a spare key there, and there was. He opened the door and walked in, looking for Gerard. "Gerard?" He called out. He found Gerard, lying down on the ground in the kitchen, the phone by his side. He knelt down beside Gerard and nudged him a little.

"Gerard? Are you okay?"

Gerard's eyes opened slowly. "Mikey? What're you doing here?"

"I heard you fall on the phone....Are you okay?"

"No," Gerard pouted. "He was practically fucking you."

"He was not, Gerard." Mikey sighed, sitting down on the floor next to him.

Gerard rolled his eyes. "I'm not stupid. You were moaning."

"We were just touching...."

"Of course. And you were just letting him. You know, it would be a whole lot easier for you to just stab my heart out and shove it in my face."

"Gerard, I don't mean to hurt you. Neither does Mike. He just loves me. And I love him...."

Gerard laughed. "Oh right. He loves you, and that's why he was grabbing all over you while you were on the phone with me. He was trying to make me jealous, Mikey, he was using you. Again. You're so naive...."

"I'm not that naive."

"Yes you are. He's abusing your innocence. He's abusing you, Mikey."

Mikey sighed. "I think you're the abusive one, Gerard...."

Gerard gasped a little and scowled. "How dare you. I would never hurt you, Mikey. You trust this stranger over me, your own brother?"

"I...yes. I do."

Gerard's eyes narrowed. He rose his hand and struck Mikey, open-palmed, hard across the face. Mikey just stared back at Gerard, shocked, for a few minutes. Eventually, he stood up, tears stinging his eyes, and left.

He drove back to his apartment, walked in, and, without a word, walked past Mike standing in the kitchen, and back to his bedroom. He stayed in his clothes and got under the sheets of his bed. Seconds later, he heard a small knock on his door.

"Hey, Mikey?"

Mikey gave no response.

"Mikey? Do you want to talk about it?"

Again, no response.

"Mikey, if you don't say something, I'm going to be forced to call 911. I have every reason to believe you're hurt or dead," Mike said with a joking tone.

"Go away," Mikey finally said.

"Too late," Mike said, walking into Mikey's room. He sat down on the bed next to Mikey. "What happened?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"What did he do to you, Mikey? Did he call you a name?"

Mikey shook his head, no.

"Did he hurt you?"

Mikey thought for a minute...then nodded his head.

Mike laid down next to Mikey, putting his head next to Mikey's. "I'll kill him," Mike whispered. "What did he do to you?"

"He...he hit me," Mikey mumbled.

"Open or closed?"

"Open-palmed....He just slapped me, but-"

"It doesn't matter, Mikey, he hit you. He's abusive. It's the same thing with everyone like him, Mikey. They hit you once, they hit you a hundred times. You need to stay away from him."

"But Mike-"

"But nothing. He'll only hurt you again. The past three days, you've seen him. And each time, he's hurt you. But this time, he's crossed the line. He's not hitting you anymore." Mike sighed and nuzzled closer to Mikey. "Once I'm through with him, though, he won't want to lay a finger on you."

"Please don't hurt him, Mike...."

"Mikey, he hurt you. He can't just hit you and think it's okay."

"Please don't hurt him, Mike," Mikey repeated, a little louder. He rolled over so that he was facing Mike and his face was stern and serious. "Don't hurt him."

Mike leaned in close to Mikey. He was angry, and he spoke through gritted teeth. "Don't fucking tell me what to do. He hit you, Mikey, he doesn't deserve your sympathy."

"Don't talk to me like that." Mikey's eyes reciprocated the anger that Mike's showed.

"I will talk to you however the hell I want to." Mike was leaning closer, and he looked furious. "Don't tell me what to do," he repeated in an angry whisper.

Mikey whimpered and flinched away from Mike. "Please don't hit me...," Mikey whispered back, shutting his eyes tight.

Mike's glare softened and his moved closer still to Mikey. He kissed Mikey's jaw and put his face down on Mikey's shoulder. "I would never hit you. Never."

Mikey sighed. "Gerard did."

"Well I'm not Gerard. I will never raise a hand to you, Mikey, never. I just get mad sometimes. Please don't be afraid of me, Mikey."

Mikey nodded and snuggled up closer to Mike. "Mike?"

"Yes, Mikey?"

"Please...please don't hurt Gerard."

Mike sighed. "I don't get you, Mikey. The guy treats you like shit, calls you a whore, hits you, but you still love him. What is he to you, Mikey?"

"I really wish I could just tell you...but I don't know how you'd feel about me if you knew about me and Gerard...." Mikey sighed and pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose.

"Mikey, I love you. Nothing concerning Gerard can change that."

"Mike, you say that, but if I told you...you just wouldn't be able to understand. Frank is the only one who gets it...."

"Frank and I are practically best friends. We're pretty similar people, Mikey. Try me."

"How would you feel if I said Gerard's my boyfriend?"

"I'd...I'd be mad. Because Gerard doesn't deserve you," Mike said, putting his arms around Mikey.

Mikey sighed. "He's not, this is all just hypothetical. Okay, so...what if I told you he and I are married?"

"You would get a divorce and marry me, that's what would happen," Mike said with a small laugh.

Mikey smiled. "And what if...what if I told you he was my cousin?"

Mike looked at Mikey, a litte confused. "Like...a cousin-cousin? Like related to you?" Mikey nodded. "Well...I wouldn't understand. I mean...it's sort of weird and I wouldn't understand why, but...I'd still love you." Mike's voice was dubious.

"Okay," Mikey said. He took a deep breath and tried to make it seem subtle. "What if I told you...that he's my brother?"

Mike was silent. He just thought for a minute or two. "I...I don't know. I mean...cousin is one thing, but brother? That's...crossing the line a little. Mikey...is he your brother?"

"..."

"Mikey, I think I have a right to know."

"Frank said that...it doesn't matter who you love as long as you love them. Do you agree with that?"

Mike nodded. "Yes. I do."

Mikey sighed and put his head in the crook of Mike's neck, trying to hold back tears.

"Mikey...is he or isn't he?"

"He...he is." Mikey sobbed. His body shook and he cried against Mike. Mike brought a hand to Mikey's head and stroked his hair, hushing him.

"Don't cry, Mikey, please don't cry...."

"But you hate me now, don't you? I disgust you now and you hate me," Mikey sobbed.

Mike shook his head. "No. I'm not disgusted by you. And I could never hate you. I just...don't understand. Mikey, you've got to understand, that is just...out of my realm of reality. I don't understand it, but...I don't hate you for it."

"R-really?" Mikey looked up at Mike.

Mike smiled a little and shrugged. "You love who you love."

Mikey smiled back. "I love you."

"I love you, too," Mike said softly.

Mikey thought about what Gerard had said the other day. That saying 'I love you, too' is just a courtesy, not a sentiment. "Do you really? Or...are you just saying it?"

"Mikey, of course I mean it. I never tell someone I love them if I don't." Mike held Mikey close to him and wiped a few stray tears away from Mikey's face.

"Hey...where did Michael go?"

"Oh, Michael left to get some coffee a little while ago. He's probably lost or something. He'll be calling soon," Mike laughed. "So, do you like him?"

"Sort of...."

"Sort of?"

"Yeah. I don't like how he just sort of waltzed in here and made out with you."

Mike smiled. "Aw, don't be jealous, lil Mikey." Mikey blushed.

"I'm not jealous."

"Yes you are."

"Fine. Maybe I am. How many times have you and him had sex?"

"Since he got here, or total?" Mike asked, playing with Mikey's hair.

"...Both."

"Three times since he got here...I've lost count of how many times total but-"

"Three times?! Three times since he got here?! When?" Mikey was pissed.

"Once in the airport bathroom and twice back here in the apartment."

Mikey was almost surprised at how honest Mike was being. "Where in the apartment?"

Mike laughed. "Mikey, don't get all bent out of shape about this. He's just a friend with benefits, he's not my boyfriend or anything. If you must know, once in the kitchen and once in my bed."

"Ew...." Mikey wrinkled his nose. "In the kitchen? I eat there, thank you very much."

Mike chuckled and ruffled Mikey's hair. "I love you," he laughed.

Mikey stuck his tongue out at Mike and folded his arms over his chest. "Stop laughing at me."

Mikey nodded. "Okay." But his voice was still light and he suppressed an obvious smile. "So." Mike stretched his arms out and little, then wrapped them around Mikey again. "What am I supposed to do about this Gerard situation?"

Mikey froze up. "I...I don't know. I'm sorry, I know it's weird since he's my brother and all, but-"

"No, no, I don't mean that. I mean about him hitting you. I can't just let him get away with it, but you don't want me to hurt him. Can't I hit him just once?"

"No, Mike. Not even once."

Mike sighed. "Fine. Can I send him threatening, anonymous letters?"

"Mike."

"Fine. Then what do you want me to do?"

"I want you to be the bigger man and not do anything." Mikey smiled at Mike and kissed him. "I'd really like that."

"Yeah? Okay. Fine. But if he messes with you again, I get to rearrange his face."

Mikey just laughed.

"Okay, so now that that's all sorted out, I think it's playtime," Mike said with a playful grin. He moved over on top of Mikey and kissed him.

Mikey pulled away a little. "One second." Mike moved long enough for Mikey get his clothes off. Mike, who was already down to just his boxers, lowered himself back down onto Mikey.

Just after Mike and Mikey started making out again, there was a knock at the door. Mike rolled his eyes and got off Mikey. He stood up and went to the door, and opened it.

"What the hell do you want?" Mike asked, glaring at Gerard from the other side of the door.

"I'm here to see Mikey," Gerard said, obviously furious at the sight of Mike.

"He doesn't want to see you right now. I think you know why, Gerard."

"I think you should let him speak for himself."

"Fine." Mike backed away from the door. "Mikey?" Mikey walked out of his room with a sheet held at his hips.

"Shit," he murmured.

"Gerard wants to talk to you." Mike said, glaring at Gerard.

"I'll kill you!" Gerard ran forward and tackled Mike to the ground. He punched Mike once before Mike tossed Gerard off of him and threw him against the wall.

"Don't fuck with me," Mike screamed at him. Mike advanced on Gerard, his fist raised.

"Mike, don't," Mikey said, quietly. Mike looked back at Mikey and groaned, frustrated.

"You. Are so fucking lucky that I love that boy. If I didn't, you'd be fucking dead by now," Mike growled at Gerard. He walked over to the couch and sat down, glaring at Gerard.

"Thank you," Mikey said, calmly, as Mike backed away from Gerard. "What do you want, Gerard?"

"I wanted to come over and apologize for hitting you. I know it was wrong, I was just mad."

"That's not an excuse to fucking abuse someone," Mike spat.

"You stay out of this," Gerard yelled back.

"Please don't yell." Mikey's voice was a small, scared whimper. "Gerard, maybe you should just go."

"Why? So you can go back to fucking this douchebag?" Gerard asked, pointing to Mike.

"You're pushing your luck, asshole," Mike's voice was once again a growl.

"Stop it! Just stop it. Gerard, just...go."

"No, Mikey! I came here to apologize and I'm not leaving until I'm forgiven. I'm sorry I hit you, Mikey, but I'm not sorry about fighting this douchebag."

Mike clenched his fists. Mikey walked over to the couch and sat down close to Mike. He put a hand on one of Mike's fists, trying to calm him. "Don't call Mike a douchebag, Gerard. At least he doesn't hit me and call me names. At least he respects me."

"Respects you? HA, that's hilarious, Mikey! You really believe he respects you? Look at yourself, Mikey! You're in nothing but a bed sheet, practically sitting in his lap! All you are to him is some stupid little slut! He's using you, Mikey, and you're so blind to it!"

Mike's hands gripped Mikey's hips, his fingers digging into Mikey's skin. "Shut up, Gerard. Just because you're jealous-"

"Jealous?! I'm not jealous of you! You get off on taking advantage of young boys, like Mikey. Frank's told me about the number of boys you've gotten into bed with you the day you met them. You're disgusting. You just go around, sleeping with everyone you lay eyes on. You're an even bigger slut than Mikey," Gerard spat at him.

"Shut up. You don't know shit about me, so don't talk shit about me! Besides, you're really one to take about sexual indiscretions. Might I mention: Bert McCracken. You still his little whore? Oh, the stories Frank has told me about you and Bert," Mike said with a smug smirk.

"Don't talk about Bert, he-"

"No," Mikey said, looking up at Gerard. "Let's talk about Bert. Why don't I know about him? How long have you been seeing him without telling me?"

"Mikey, it's none of your business. My relationship with Bert is strictly-"

"Sexual, right? Yeah, Frank told me you and Bert hardly even talk. He just comes over, you fall right on your back, and he fucks you like a 5 buck whore. By the way, I've always been curious, how bad does it hurt when you piss? You know, because of all the disease and whatnot." Mike was loving this. He could tell Gerard was sweating now.

"Mike, maybe you should ease off Ger-"

"No, Mikey, you should hear this. Your precious little Gerard, your dear big brother, has all these dirty little secrets that you didn't even know a thing about. Aren't you the least bit curious?"

Mikey thought for a moment, then looked expectantly to Gerard.

"I don't need to tell either of you anything, especially not you, Mike."

"Gerard...." Mikey just looked at him. Nothing else.

"Mikey, come on. It's useless. It's not like he can change. He's always been sleazy and he always will be. Gerard, if you could just leave we'd really appreciate it. We have better things to do." Mike knew he probably shouldn't have added on to that, but he couldn't help himself. "So many surfaces of this apartment need christening."

Gerard's eyes narrowed and his nostrils flared. He was pissed. He ran forward and went to hit Mike, but Mikey pushed him away.

"Don't touch him, Gerard!"

Gerard took his fist back and thrust it forward, hitting Mikey hard in the face. Mike flew up from the couch and jumped on Gerard, using every second to beat Gerard as hard as he could.

"You will never hit him again, you hear me?!" Mike voice was loud and furious. Mikey wanted to moved forward and stop Mike, but he was afraid. He knew that if anything got in Mike's way of beating Gerard, Mike wouldn't stop himself from beating that, too.

"Mike! Mike, stop, please!" Mikey tried yelling over to Mike, but it didn't work. Eventually, he decided there was no way to stop Mike other than to push him off of Gerard. He ran over and, with all his strength, threw Mike off of Gerard. Gerard sprung up and ran out of the apartment, slamming the door behind him. Mike got off the ground, breathing heavily, and stormed into his room. Mikey was left alone in the front room, slowly calming down from his hysterics.

When Mikey finally edged himself away from the urge to cry, he walked over to Mike's room, walking in. He found Mike sitting on the edge of his bed, staring at his wall. It vaguely reminded Mikey of some sort of time-out.

"Mike?"

Mike didn't respond, he didn't even look at Mikey.

"Mike? Are you okay?"

Still no response at all.

"Mike, talk to me. Please?" Mikey walked over to Mike and sat down on the bed next to him.

He still got no response from Mike.

"Look, I know you're mad, but I'm sorry....I just didn't want you to hurt Gerard. He's my brother, Mike...."

"He hit you," was all Mike said, his face staying emotionless. He didn't look at Mikey.

"But-"

"He punched you."

"Mike, I know, but-"

Mike shook his head. "There's no excuse for what he did."

"There's no excuse for what you did!" Mikey threw his hands up in frustration.

Mike was silent for a minute. "I know."

"You know?" Mikey was surprised. He didn't think Mike would give in that easily.

"I do a lot of things that I shouldn't Mikey, a lot of things that can't be excused. But I'm not apologizing for doing that."

"Why?" Mikey sounded disappointed.

"Because I'm just not sorry about it. It felt good." Mike sighed and continued to not look at Mikey. "I'm sorry you had to see that."

Mikey shook his head. "I don't want to see it again."

"I don't want him to hurt you again."

"He's not going to hurt me again, Mike," Mikey's voice was pleading, trying to convince Mike.

Mike wasn't about to believe it. "No, he's going to. He's abusive, Mikey, he's not going to stop. He thinks it's okay that he does that, but it's not."

"That doesn't mean you should hurt him....You calling him abusive...don't you think it's a little bit like the pot calling the kettle black?" Mikey's voice was small. He didn't want to upset Mike.

"Maybe it is. But I don't care." Mike stood up and sighed. He finally looked at Mikey (Mikey let out a sigh of relief) and smiled a slight, sad smile. "I'm gonna go out for a little while. Drive around. If Michael calls, just tell him I'm out, okay?"

Mikey nodded and wrapped his arms around his chest, hugging himself so he wouldn't shake. Mike walked to the door and as he passed Mikey, he gave Mikey a small kiss on the cheek. Mikey stayed in the room and listened as the front door slammed shut.

Author's Note: First thing I have to say, I wrote like...two or three other versions of this chapter. To be honest, I'm still not happy with this one, but I was getting sick of writing a million chapters about one day in their lives. It was taking a toll on my already terrible sense of time, as well.

That said, guys, I feel seriously bad for Mikey, lol. Everyone just walks out on him. People leave this poor boy a lot. PLUS, he's all caught up in this triangle of HATE. Gerard loves/hates Mikey, Mikey loves/hates Gerard, Gerard hates Mike, Mike hates Gerard, Mikey loves Mike (but gets easily frustrated with him), and Mike loves Mikey (again, the frustration is there). It's a triangle of love, hate, and frustration. No fun there.

OH, and BTW it is currently July 20th. I won't be posting this to the mcr comm that I post this fic to usually until tomorrow night, because it takes a while, and I'm just tired right now. It'll be up tomorrow (July 21st) though. Promise. (Maybe....)

o_O

2008-07-21T00:09:23Z

okay, so ch. 19 is almost done (should be up late tonight, unless i fall asleep, but i don't think that'll happen).

but the main point of this post is...

i just realized...edward cullen is a 107 year old virgin.

o_O

can you say 'sexual frustration?' lol

hey everyone.

2008-07-20T04:41:14Z

just a quick update on my life.

-ch. 19 rewrite is coming along swimmingly. i should have it up by tomorrow night, unless tragedy strikes. but don't worry, i doubt it.
-there is this scary man walking around the park that's right outside my window. everytime i look out, he turns and looks at me. it's scaring the shit out of me.
-there's this scraping noise coming from just outside my backyard (near the park w/ the scary man) where the water heater is, but there is no way in hell i'm going to check what it is. i don't want to die.
-my dog keeps barking at the scary park-man.
-i'm calming myself by looking at pics of spunk ransom (aka rpattz aka robert pattinson aka cedric motherfucking diggory), my current imaginary love, and trying to use my nonexistent magical powers to put him in my bed. (i used to hate the idea of him playing edward in the movie, but he's seriously growing on me....)
-i finished rereading twilight, so now i'm rereading new moon (which will be followed by a reread of eclipse, leading up to reading breaking dawn FOR THE FIRST TIME on the 2nd.) how awesome is it that i will be reading breaking dawn on a flight to phoenix from seattle after having spent a week (with family) in forks? yeah. i know.
-i learned how to play "forever ended today" by remember maine (aka old school william beckett, lol) on my guitar. love that song.

ok....

2008-07-18T22:49:20Z

so, last night i started re-writing 19.

hopefully, it will be up tomorrow or the next day. if not, i'll be locking my guitar away in the garage, so i can't play it until i DO post the chapter.

if i don't take measures like this, i know i won't post it soon, so i'm doing this for you guys. i don't want to be a let down anymore. :)

but, i'm pretty happy right now, which means i might get some good writing done pretty fast.

things that rock in my life right now-
-i'm listening to clair de lune, which is probably my favorite song ever.
-i saw dark knight earlier. (guh, i love heath ledger....)
-i learned how to play down and out on my guitar. yay.
-i have arizona iced tea. and lots of it.
-my guitar is beautiful.

btw, anyone have a suggestion for a name for my guitar? i like naming inanimate objects. :)

oh no....

2008-07-18T05:06:10Z

guys.
i'm back.

but. my worst nightmare has come true.

okay, my second worst nightmare. my first is being eaten by my friend kegan, who is waaaay to vampire-esque in my opinion. (okay, so the fact that he is the closest thing to a vampire that i have seen sort of really turns me on, but for real, i had a nightmare that he ATE me whole one time. scary shit. he didn't just drink my blood, no, that would be a dream. but he full on ate me. it was weird.)

so, my SECOND worst nightmare (of something that is realistic).

i have writer's block.

-cries-

it's just...really hard. but i get writer's block a lot, with everything i write. even stuff for school.

so whenever i get writer's block, i try to look at whatever i'm writing as a movie.

i'm, in large part, a filmmaker. so i've made some exercises to help me out whenever i get stuck, to help me see what i'm writing as a movie. so i can see what should come next.

exercise 1: main character descriptions.

exercise 2: possible future plots.

exercise 3: deadlines and consequences. (this one is like....godawful. i hate using deadlines and consequences. it's painful.)

okay, so this post was long. sorry. btw, i'm leaving (to go to seattle) on the 26th and i'll be back on august 2nd (i'll be buying breaking dawn at the airport, tyvm). no computer while i'm away.

oh, and i got my new guitar yesterday. it's a black epiphone les paul special II (or some other mix of those words, i don't really know). my fingers hurt....lol

i feel bad.

2008-06-28T05:23:14Z

like, really really bad.

i have 19 written, and part of 20, too. but, i'm not happy with 19. at all.

and i'm leaving for 2 weeks tomorrow.

i dunno, i just haven't felt inspired or really motivated....this past week has sort of just drained me.

but i'm going to camp in a few days, and camp always evokes some slashy thoughts (oh the camp boys and the things they do to each other).

so hopefully i'll have some inspiration by the time i get back.

as for motivation...that's another story. i haven't been doing so well lately. i haven't been motivated to do anything, really. i can't sleep or eat.

but one good thing...today, i watched brokeback mountain for the first time. (i know, i'm a total slash reader/writer stereotype, shutup.) it was pretty great.

when heath pushes jake against the wall and kisses him, all ~rough~ and whatnot....akgjkl;l;. i almost had a seizure. it was definitely great. the whole internal struggle in heath's character was pretty much beautifully acted. i miss heath.

YESH!

2008-06-26T00:34:06Z

on i love the new millennium (on vh1)...they mentioned panic at the disco, last night.

my fav commenter-dude, michael ian black, said it.

he was talking about trucker hats.

he said something along the lines of "wearing a trucker hat is saying, i'm white trash, but i listen to panic at the disco."

not exactly that, but something like that. it was either 2002 or 2003. i can't remember, but they're both rerunning tonight.

i squealed last night.

ETA - i checked the all-knowing wikipedia for the show, and it said trucker hats were featured on the 2003 ep. yay.